The Beeze Reviews Melt

Okay, for a few years now, I've been of the mindset of, "Fuck Melt!" Over=priced, over-hyped grilled cheese, served by a bunch of douchebags that thing they are too good to be waiting on you...


Well, after tonight, my mind has not been changed at all...Fuck these fucking cock sucking douchebags!

After going to a movie this evening, the Mrs. and I were feeling hungry...We checked with the sitter, the kids were doing well...Baby was asleep, no problems...We saw the Melt in Independence, Ohio and said 'what the hell...Lets give it another try...Past experiences had us waiting an hour for a table (first come first serve)...And then be waited on by a dolt with too may piercing and too many tattoos, who had an attitude that doing her job, waiting on us, was some how beneath her...Of course she thought highly of herself, already be well trained as a human pin-cushion...

Then there was the food...I would describe it as "DRUNK FOOD"...Shit I was making at 3:00 AM when I was drunk, 15 years ago...Yet the mastermind behind Melt, egomaniac, Matt Fish thinks he's greatest culinary mind on Earth...Hey, I love grilled cheese like a mother fucker, but slapping a pirogi in the middle of one is no great shakes...A fucking retard could come up with that!

But back to tonight...We walk in, and ask the hostess about how long...She says 20 minutes, and I peeked at the clipboard...There were only 2 parties ahead of us...We put in our name and had a seat...After that a couple more parties came in...About 30 minutes into our wait, the tables ahead of us had been sat, so we were looking forward to getting to a table soon...Then a party of 4 came in...They went right up to the hostess stand, and it was clear they were friends with the people that worked there...2 minutes later, they were sat...

We looked at the people around us, and it was clear everyone was pissed about this...My wife got up, and started scanning the floor for any other open tables...There were none...Then she approached the hostess...She asked "did those people have a reservation?"...The twat responded by saying, "We don't take reservations, it's first come first serve." The Mrs. said, "Well they just got here, and we've been waiting for awhile now." So the twat says, "Oh, they put their name in like a hour ago, and then came back."

This is where I step in..."No they didn't...If they did, why did you tell us, it was only a 20 minute wait." Twat said, "Yes sir, they did." ..."Ummm, no they didn't, I saw the sheet, and there were only two names ahead of ours, and they were sat." Twat now change to cunt..."Are you calling me a liar?" ...."Yes, you're a lying cunt...Fuck your shitty grilled cheese!"

And we left...I stopped there, because the next thing to come out of my mouth was, 'I hope the next time you get your stupid lip, or nose, or whatever pieced....I hope a dirty needle is involved, and you get the AIDS...Not Magic Johnson AIDS that can be fixed with Millions of dollars and Swedish doctors, but the nasty, bad AIDS, you stupid dirty cunt!'

Yeah, When I get pissed, my mind goes to bad places...Really bad...So we left...Fuck her! Fuck her friends...Fuck her family...Fuck Matt Fish...Fuck Melt...Stupid fucking grilled cheese....Suck a dick!

Later, The Beeze.

The Beeze Reviews Johnny's Bar

That folks, is what I had for dinner Saturday Night! That is the Long Bone Veal Chop, Pounded, Breaded & Baked...Topped with Tomato Coulis, Arugula and Balsamic Vinaigrette...And it was amazing...

The wife had decided to take me out for a nice dinner for my birthday...Read my PREVIOUS_POST for the Birthday recap...She told me to pick, so I decided on JOHNNY'S_BAR...It's kinda stupid to call the place a bar...Bars don't usually put out this type of food...I've always just called it Johnny's on Fulton...One of the few gems you'll find on Fulton road in Cleveland...

To start, I went simple, getting the Mozzarella Marinara...Don't be fulled...This isn't some bullshit Mozz sticks like TGI Fridays...this is quality Mozzarella, with Cleveland's best Marinara sauce...The Mrs. is real picky when it comes to red sauce...Johnny's is so good, we bought to jars to go!

She started with the Bacon wrapped scallops...How can you go wrong there...Well, she actually was a little disappointed...The scallops were small, and each was totally encased in bacon...She felt the bacon over-powered the flavor of the scallops...

Then we had house salads...Fine...Salads, nothing special...I was drinking Great Lakes Brewing Company's Oktoberfest...(yes, that's how they spell it)...She was drinking a Riesling...I don't know shit about wine, except to keep pouring it down her throat!

Then she had one of the specials...A 14ounce strip steak, thinly sliced, served medium-rare, topped with sweet onions, and mushrooms, in a demi glace...With aged cheddar and pancetta mashers...The steak was so moist, and tender...It melted in your moth...She thought they could ease up on the sauce, but she loved it...

As I said, I had the Long Bone Veal...Talk a about flavorful...Sorry folks, but baby cow tastes great...And it was so tender, I was cutting it with my fork...The tomatoes, arugula, and balsamic worked so well with the veal and the breading...It's a can't miss dish, only made better being served over top of Johnny's house specialty, au gratin potatoes...

For desert, The Mrs. has the Raspberry Cheesecake...Holy huge slice! I had the Bananas Foster...Rum, Bananas, and Ice Cream...Hard to screw up, and they didn't...We finished the evening there with coffee...Nice, bold, brew...

Now, this all sounds great, and it was...But it was an expensive evening...Drinks, all four course, coffee, two jars of sauce, and tip got us for over two hundred bucks...Considering how little we go out, and how good it was...I'm okay with the price...

Then we headed home...My goal, get the kids to bed...Watch Notre Dame beat the hell out of Purdue, and squeeze in some halftime sex! Birthday weekend rules!

Later, The Beeze.

The Beeze Reviews Dina's Pizza & Pub

If you're looking for "comfort food," Look no further then Dina's Pizza & Pub. How could those two words, together not sell you on this place...I saw Pizza, and was like 'hell yeah!' Then I saw pub...'I'm in!' Dina's has become the new favorite in the Beeze household...

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Located at 5701 Memphis Ave. in Old Brooklyn, Dina's lives up to their motto..."Where Good Friends Meet For Good Food & Good Drinks."

The one knock on Dina's may be, too many options...In the starters column, there are 30 options...Then you have Pasta Dinners...Everything from Spaghetti, to Veal Parm, to Stuffed Shells, to Penne Chicken Alfredo...
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You can also get breaded chicken, BBQ ribs, a fish fry, and Pierogies...Cleveland loves it's pierogies. Then you have 23 sandwiches and 9 wraps to choose from. Oh, and don't forget the 8 burger choices. By the way, the burgers are amazing! There's nothing like seeing Mrs. Beeze crammin' one of Dina's big ole burgers in her face!

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Now, finally we get to the pizza...You can get your standard pizza, or choose from the list of 15 specialty pizzas...Get the meat lovers! I'm not joking...It's unreal, but maybe should come with a free bypass...

Seriously, the pizza is old school...It's like the pizza I had when I was a kid...Before chains came along and all started making the same old thing, and bastardized the art of crafting a fine pizza...

The prices...The prices are great...You get plenty of bang for your buck at Dina's...The sandwiches are all under $7...Dinners don't go over $15...The only pizzas that will cost you close to $20 are a few of the specialty pizzas at the half sheet size...

The staff are all friendly, and seem to have a good time working there...The atmosphere is great...The one time gas station, turned bar and pizza joint has that great neighborhood vibe....You're going to run into some one you know...And you're going to get to know some one else...If you're in the area, check it out!

Later, The Beeze.

The Beeze Reviews The Bistro on Lincoln Park...Again

Yes, Mrs. Beeze, myself, and our friends May and Bryan stopped by the bistro last Friday for dinner...This was the second time for the Mrs. and I...The first time was great, and I hoped for the same this trip...Especially the end of the night...

Well, I'm gonna go a little Tarantino on ya, and skip to the end...Sadly, there was no road head...Bryan was driving the four of us...The girls who had split two bottles of wine were in the back...May, was ready for a nap...And well, I wasn't going down on Bryan...

Then we got home, paid the baby sitter, and rounded up Bryan and May's little girl...Then found out, our daughter was still awake...Sex was off the table now...If you missed it at the Beezewax a couple weeks ago, we woke up our daughter with one of our sessions...And by woke up, I mean scared the sh!t out of her...So the wife put me on lock-down...

So let's move onto the food...I started with the Autumn Bisque..."Puree of Butternut Squash, Sauteed Wild Mushrooms & Creme Fraiche" It was awesome! The Mrs. started with the Crab Cake...Without a doubt the best crab cake I have ever had...A friend compared ours at the Fish House to it, simply by saying The bistro's made ours look like dog food...He was right...This was the meatiest crab cake ever...Not a bunch of filler...Great!

May and Bryan ordered the Froie Gras...May had asked our server what it was like...She replied with, "It's deliciousness in your mouth." When may took her first bite, she said, "This is the best thing that's ever been in my mouth!" Sorry Bryan...She passed it around and it was amazing!

The next course Bryan and I both had the Bistro Salad..."Butter Lettuce, Indian Black Onion Seed Vinaigrette, Sunflower Seeds, 24 Hour Tomatoes, Watermelon Radish, Candy Onions." I loved it...I love butter lettuce, and the Vinaigrette was great...Very light and refreshing...May had Mushroom Bisque, which she passed around to all of us...Best Mshroom soup, I've had...And I make a pretty damn good one myself...

At this point I should tell you about May's order...It wa sthe evening before Halloween...They had a special "Treat" menu...3 Courses for $35...They also had a "Trick" menu...This was left up to Chef Pete Joyce...You got what he gave you...

Entree time...The wife and I both got a 16 ounce, French-cut, bone-in, ribeye (or cowboy steak)...served with house made Frites, that was on special...The steak was cooked perfectly...The frites are awesome...If you're at the Bistro and they don't have this on special, check out the Steak and Frites...It's a Hanger Steak with the frites, and it' so tender and delicious...Like a....Never mind...

Bryan got the Great Lakes Walleye..."Pan Roasted, Fingerling Potatoes, Smoked Bacon-Apple Hash & Sherry Beurre Blanc." He polished this off quickly, and was left wanting more...He felt the portion could have been bigger, but enjoyed it very much...

That brings us back to May...Her entree was Turkey, Brussel Sprouts and I forget the rest...It was at this point m wife felt bad...You see, May doesn't like turkey...But this turkey was different...It seemed like it was done the way you would do a nice piece of veal, for a Piccata or Marsala...It was topped with an apple cream sauce...And honestly, you could put the sauce on anything...It was great...She did it some, and enjoyed the flavors...

For dessert I had the Bistro Chocolate Cake..."handcrafted chocolate cake, whipped buttercream,fresh berries & warm chocolate ganache." WOW! A really good meal ends when most people are full...Not me...For me it ends when I hate myself...This dessert took me to that point...

The wife had the Pumpkin Cheesecake...Loved it...Bryan had the home made vanilla ice cream...And May had the Country Pear Tart..."Bosc pears, almond frangipane & honey almond ice cream."

The food was great again...The Atmosphere was great...Warm and inviting...The staff went out of their way to make sure we were happy...

In Cleveland, We're always hearing and reading about Michael Symon...Not to be a d!ck, but he ain't the only game in town...If you're looking to spend an evening out, enjoying good food, drinks, and company...Stop by the Bistro on Lincoln Park...http://www.bistroonlincolnpark.com/

Later, The Beeze.

The Beeze Reviews The Melting Pot (take 2)

So last night, Mrs. Beeze, myself, and our friends Bryan and May went back to The Melting Pot...My review last time was sparkling...Yes we had a good time, and some good stories came out of it, which gave my review some extra life...But it wasn't the best...Management saw it and responded...First in the comment section...Then we communicated through e-mail...They made it clear that they wanted us to give them a second chance...

It had been he first time my wife and I had been there...Bryan and May had been there before and loved it...But after last time we were all let down...The main problem was the service...In the last review, our server Mike, took a beating...The food was good, but we had waited so long for everything, that we were A) Drunk...And B) just not into it...I also felt that the prices were too high...They still are, but I think that's true of most places...That combined with the economy right now, people are looking for more bang for their buck...

I would say that this time around, we got more bang for our buck...Our server was "Thunder Dan...

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No, not "Thunder" Dan Majerle...Dan greeted us quickly, and took our drink order...While the ladies were choosing a bottle of wine he informed Bryan he'd be getting him another Great Lakes Grass Roots Ale, which he had started on at the bar...I ordered a Great Lakes Dortmunder...Dan jumped in and said, "You know we have Heineken tonight." I was shocked and said, "Really?" He replied by saying "We brought in a six-pack tonight." I informed him that I would take it...This made it clear to us that they knew who we were...I was the a$$hole who wrote the last review...I had commented how, they didn't have Heineken, and followed it with a WTF!??! Even funnier was Bryan now reciting lines from the last review...

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Dan was very attentive and seemed to walk into some strange conversations...Like May talking about how romantic Bryan is when talking about sex...He likes to call it pu$$y pounding...Really, who doesn't? Dan got our vibe and was able to do his job and while adding his own two cents to whatever the conversation was...He understood we were there to have fun, eat, drink, and not afraid to spend money...He also gets the vibe of the restaurant...It's suppose to be a fun place...The servers are suppose to be interactive with the guests...I'm not sucking up in any way...If you've read me before, you know I'd be taking shots at Dan if he deserved it...But honestly, I felt like I knew the guy...That's a pretty cool feeling to get from a server...

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Food wise, I think we all enjoyed it more this time...Partly because Dan was cool...Partly because we weren't waiting all night for it...And partly because we weren't all sh!t faced...

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As they did last time we were there...The featured salad was the Caprese Salad...This made me laugh too, because it was one of the things I raved about from our first trip...3 of us had that...My wife had the Caesar...Cheese wise, we had the Cheddar, and the Swiss...Both were delicious...

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Bryan and May had the Surf and Turf dinner for two...Split...She had the surf, he had the turf...My wife had the shrimp and steak...I had the French Quarter...Cajun seasoned steak, chicken, shrimp, and some Andouille sausage...It was great...I honestly enjoyed the food more this time...It was cooked the same...By us...I do love cajun, so that may have helped...But we all enjoyed it more this time...So I have to figure the biggest reason was the quality of service we got...

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A little while later the manager came over and talked with us...He was great too...He also got our vibe, and wanted to make sure we were happy...He also informed us of a dinner they'll be having with Great Lakes Brewing Company later this month...A 4 course dinner with each course paired up with a Great Lakes Beer...We're in Eric!

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We finished the night with some chocolate fondue, and bananas foster...It was at this point when I dubbed Dan as "cock strong" while he lit the table on fire...This was a nice bit of showmanship, that helps make The Melting Pot fun...

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The Melting Pot hooked us up this time and made it a much better experience...We'll go back again, and we'll ask for "Thunder" Dan!

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Later, The Beeze.

The Beeze Reviews the Melting Pot

About a week ago, Mrs. Beeze and a couple co-workers made plans for a group of us to go to dinner at The Melting Pot...A fondue place... http://www.meltingpot.com/
It was 6 of us...To protect the not so innocent I'll slightly change their names...Except our server...MIKE...But we'll get to him in a bit...

The sitter showed up and the Mrs. and I went to meet the others...We planned on meeting in the bar first for a couple drinks...When we got there one of the other couples were already into their second drink...Bryan and May...(if you know who I'm talking about, I wasn't very creative with the name change)...These two crazy kids seem to like to drink, so I knew with my personality we'd have fun...May was drinking a Dirty Martini..."But not too dirty, just a little naughty." Bryan was drinking Great Lakes Brewing Company's Grassroots Ale...

What was I drinking? Nothing...At least not for 8 minutes...That's how long it took for the bartender to acknowledge my wife and my existence...When he finally did, she had a Stoli Orange with a splash of tonic...I first asked for a Heineken...He said they didn't have that...WTF!?! kinda place doesn't have Heineken...I could understand if I ordered a PBR...Instead I got a Great Lakes Dortmunder Gold Lager...A few minutes later the hostess took us to our table...

A few minutes later the other couple showed...We'll call them Todd and Laura...About 5 minutes later our server Mike greeted us...(5 minutes is too long...At least where I come from)...Mike with white boy, almost afro, partially in a pony tail...He was quickly dubbed Crazy Hair Mike, by yours truly...Mike asks "who's been here before?"...Only Bryan and May have...So he says he's going to go over things with us...Which we think is good, because the menu can throw you off...He proceeds to go on and on about drinks, and drink specials...Todd orders a Coke, and Laura just wants water...Don't worry Mike we'll make up for it...Bryan and I will have another couple beers...The Mrs. sees Caymus on the menu and she's thinking about a glass...May thinks that sounds good...Before Mike can go into his bottle selling bit...I say, "What the hell bring a bottle!"

Note to servers...This is a sign to treat this table well...Work it...These people are here to spend money...Don't f**k up!

So now we are waiting for our drinks, and trying to figure out what to order...What cheeses...What entrees...What salads...Our drinks take at least 5 minutes...Then Mike finally comes back...We order...Each couple got an entree for two...Ours had a $56 dollar tag on it...It had duck breast, chicken breast, teriyaki steak, pork tenderloin, chicken and veggie pot stickers...You also have to pick you broths to cook you food in...We got the Coq au vin and the Mojo...Each a extra 5 dollars...The wife got a Cesar salad ($5) and I got the Caprese Salad ($5)...

The cheeses for the table were cheddar, and the Wisconsin trio...You better like blue cheese if you get the Wisconsin Trio...But we wouldn't find this out for 30 minutes...You see your cheese is suppose to come out with bread, and veggies, and apples for an appetizer...We continued to drink...Well us drinkers...And waited...and waited...Bryan need to use the rest room...As he went to the front desk for directions...The hostess was taking a call...The call was from May...Asking to have Mike bring us our cheese...After repeating this a couple times the hostess hung up...As she walked Bryan past our table to point him in the right direction...I'm sure she heard boozy May laughing and repeating what happened on the phone...The hostess came back and checked on us...and in about 2 minutes Mike arrived to mix our cheese...

Note to servers...If you work in a place where you are at tables preparing items...It's a good idea to seem friendly and engage in conversation with the table...I mean you are working for tips right?

We also learned from Bryan's recon mission to the Men's Room...There were only 5 tables in the whole place...So what the hell was taking so long...After our cheese and stuff...We waited, and waited, and waited, for our salads...It had gotten to the point where we didn't even want them anymore...When Mike finally brought them out Bryan said...'Oh we don't really want those anymore.' But Mike must have thought we we joking, based on the booze and phone calls...

It was also at this point that a table of jail bait sat right near us, and Mike was giving them plenty of attention...Smart move douche bag...The table ordering diet Coke and apps is gonna get quality service...While the table ordering bottles of wine, $6 beers, and over $200 dollars in food is getting slow sh!tty service...Way to go dummy!

The salads were good...To be honest, my Caprese salad was outstanding...Then we waited a little longer to get our entrees...This is where this company is getting over on people big time...You get your plate full of raw nuggets that you will cook yourself in $5 broths...The Melting Pot doesn't have to pay chefs...Or really anyone with any cooking skill...Just some prep cooks who chop up raw meat, poultry, and sea food...

Was the food good? Yes...Was it great? No...Did we have fun? Yes...We got out of the house, away from the kids for a few hours...Drank plenty...Made fun of our server...Found out the name of May's Vibrator...(She is a funny drunk) And then when we got home I overpaid the sitter, and Mrs. Beeze and I had some sloppy drunk sex!

That said...The bill for The Beezes after tip was $150...For that kinda money, we could have had a really nice meal, with great service, and I would have had to cook my own food...But if you do try The Melting Pot...Get the Caprese salad...The only thing better was the Dortmunder!

Later, The Beeze.

The Beeze's Cookout Quiz

It's that time of year...The time when some us are looking for any reason to fire up the grill...The time when we are looking for any excuse to get together with friends, drink and stuff our faces with some BBQ...

So being a fan of the cookout...And being a fan of silly Facebook quizzes...I thought I'd put one together, just about the Backyard BBQ...

1. Charcoal or Gas? CHARCOAL

2. Beer, wine or liquor? BEER

3. Are women aloud near the grill? NO

4. Listen to music or baseball game? MUSIC...THE INDIANS SUCK

5. Paper plates? YES

6. Plastic silverware, the real stuff, or your hands? REAL STUFF UNLESS IT'S JUST BURGERS OR FINGER FOOD

7. When you've been drinking (maybe too much) and you get a little warm...Do you dip your junk in the kiddie pool...Or stumble through a sprinkler? KIDDIE POOL

8. When having cookout sex...Do you do it on the picnic table...In the grass...or the hood of the car? HOOD OF THE CAR AND GRASS

9. Do you use any left over BBQ sauce in the sex acts? YES

10. Besides the sex...What do you prefer for dessert? STRAWBERRY PIE

That's it...Read and Respond...

Later, The Beeze.